Learning

there are 1000 things i need to be doing right now but i feel pulled to write down what i'm learning now that i have andrey. As i get older...now 37, life continues to remind me that it's not about me anymore...maybe i've said that before - i'm not sure why it suprises me so much! I'm thinking that as you journey thru life that the loss of self - the loss of selfishness i should say fades away when you do things you're supposed to do for other people.
It's really kicked my butt to get Andrey (all the work, money, travel, etc.) & now it's kicking my butt again trying to raise him & teach him...he has a strong will & thank God for it. This strong will of his helped him survive orphanage life. He's just one tough little dude...he'll go head to head with me over something he wants that i'm not letting him have & he'll fight til the end. You can say that all 2 years old go thru this stage which they do, but considering he was parentless the first 2 years of his little life & that it appears he's never heard "no" before, it puts a different spin on things. I am aware that i'm an adult & in charge but sometimes i feel so helpless - the toughest is when i'm disciplining Andrey & Thomas is laughing his head off - an evil crazy laugh - it drives me nuts! Managing 2 little souls & meeting each of their needs is difficult. I am so aware that i'm creating a childhood experience for each one - what a responsibility! In the darkest moments of despair, i think how easy it would be to dump them off everyday & let someone else take care of them... a million people a day do it... of course i never would - i'm a big believer in raising my own children, an old fashioned idea it seems.
So i love seeing andrey explore everything...he is curious george times 10. He moves from one thing to the next - it's actually quite tiring to watch him. He runs like a rabbit - i was unable to catch him twice - scared the heck out of me..he loves catchup & cars & any dog he sees he runs after like a crazy man. I cannot take my eyes off of him...hard to do when i'm trying to watch thomas also. The craziest thing of all is that my physical desire to be pregnant again is still there!! EEEESH...i get so sick during pregnancy that it would be crazy..but i just keep thinking it's crazy now..why not? Despite all the energy it's taken from me two keep track & control of these 2 little boys, i can see myself with another baby..i've always wanted another but knew we had to adopt Andrey first.
Anyway...
in spite of every day life & it's challenges, the overwhelming feeling i have is that i'm fully emersed in life right now..i realize it's a season of life that will not last forever..i'm in the childbearing & rearing years which is one of the most joyful & unbelievable great & hard all at the same time..family life so far has been the most satisfying for me. Ok, have to eat some lunch to keep myself fueled.