What i look like at the end of the day

Probably not one of my better looks, but that's ok. It was the end of a long day & i still had my apron on at the bedtime hour! (yes i wear aprons - i think they're sexy!) I'm just happy that Andrey will lay on me like he does. (he's best when he's really pooped) In the adoption world, most of us adoptive parents know that to some children, because of attachment issues, they aren't comfortable being held (so sad!) When we first had Andrey, he would squirm around a lot on me & when i held him he wouldn't form to my body. It was as if he had never been held before. Now he hugs me & holds me with a relaxed body. He knows how to kiss & sit on my lap facing me, not facing away. Although he lets me hold him, it seems his first preference in order to actually sleep is to be put down... it's so weird for me to be the mother of this little boy & to have missed his first 2 years. He was given up a day after his birth. Too bad the adoption process takes so long. Sometimes i notice little things about him that remind me that he grew up in an institution. It's a strange feeling. I'm mommy but i'm also somewhat of a stranger since we only met 6 months ago. I'm mommy, but he didn't come out of my body & he didn't have my milk to survive. Those are the things that initially bonded me with thomas...i have days where i really feel close to Andrey & there are other times where it's more work, where it doesn't come natural. I think it's great that some families are so bonded with their adopted kids & there's no struggle with finding closeness. This blog was set up to share our journey & hopefully inspire others to adopt. I also want to be transparent about the not so pretty feelings because you have to go into this family building with some truth. For some of us, it's going to take a much longer time for the bonding/attachment to become natural & real. I know that my lesson is about loving...it's about loving when you don't feel like being loving, it's about meeting someone else's need when you're too tired or irritated, etc. That's what i find mothering to be a lot about - it's about what my children's needs are...they are small & dependent & my needs have to wait. I learned that early on with Thomas. It didn't matter how sick or how high my fever was, if he needed my milk he didn't care if i was dying! (laughing)...they are needy little creatures & they are not built to worry about my needs. (i still find time for my pedicures though :)) & it's even harder with a new little guy who comes with all sorts of needs & demands & has to learn how to live in a family setting vs. a caregiver/child setting. I've been disappointed in myself many times for not being able to handle the challenges i've been facing with Andrey. Just when i think i'm doing great, he'll do something & i might lose my patience or temper (he has some annoying traits to be honest) & i'll yell one of those yells that feels so good coming out but you're shaking after - & i'll notice our windows open & i'll think "what a loser i am." you know, something like that. I think of what God must think of me during those times...surely he loves that i rescued one of his little ones, but then what does He think of me when i'm out of control & acting like a child myself. I guess He's got to love me either way. Now, i don't love me during those times it gets ugly. I've also learned that doing the right thing isn't the easiest. I guess i thought if we followed God's call to adopt, that somehow there wouldn't be challenges? hmmm...not sure what i thought...except i know for sure i didn't think i'd be a referee so often, breaking up thomas trying to beat up Andrey & fights over sharing toys & who's first & blah blah blah....In all fairness, most of my problems have come from Thomas having to learn how to have a instant sibling. Life is full of joy much of the time though...great moments, some dark moments & somewhere in between, i manage to keep my house lookin great :)